Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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