i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
