in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize