I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
