My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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