By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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