I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize