I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
