Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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