My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
