Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
