The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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