i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
