The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
