Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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