If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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