The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
