Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
