I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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