my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
