You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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