So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
