This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
