My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
