So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he fucked my hip out of place.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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