i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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