I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
