that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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