Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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