I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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