what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
