I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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