Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize