Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
