I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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