So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
