Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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