Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
You smell like stripper and shame
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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