Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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