No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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