So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
