my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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