I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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