I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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