I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
