Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Operation Purity has been aborted
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Vodka?
Forever.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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