I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
So. Much. Porn.
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