We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
