Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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