Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
