just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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