Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize