mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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