We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
