I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
