Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
