dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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