haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
