I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
