dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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