I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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