i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
