I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
he thought i was a dude.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
