Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
