he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
