the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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